Libraries Lead to Plague Victims

From InspiredbyLit

Twilight vs. Hunger Games

I love the Ginger Haze  art blog by Noelle. I also adore the Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins because it is smart, sexy, and Katniss kicks everyone's ass. I have a weakness/problem for strong female characters.

As Noelle points out, the entire concept for the Hunger Games is thus:

"How can I be the exact opposite of Stephanie Meyers?”

Anywho, just read the Hunger Games, and check out Noelle's art.

Stranger Than Fiction

As far as I'm concerned, this is completely true. Love is not fiction, but sometimes it can be found in the fiction section. Is this the appropriate place to mention that librarians do it in the stacks? So I've heard at least. Erm... going now.

Book Slam: Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyers

Premise: To be irrevocably in love with a vampire is both fantasy and nightmare woven into a dangerously heightened reality for Bella Swan. Pulled in one direction by her intense passion for Edward Cullen, and in another by her profound connection to werewolf Jacob Black, a tumultuous year of temptation, loss, and strife have led her to the ultimate turning point. Her imminent choice to either join the dark but seductive world of immortals or to pursue a fully human life has become the thread from which the fates of two tribes hangs. Now that Bella has made her decision, a startling chain of unprecedented events is about to unfold with potentially devastating, and unfathomable, consequences. Just when the frayed strands of Bella''s life - first discovered in Twilight, then scattered and torn in New Moon and Eclipse - seem ready to heal and knit together, could they be destroyed . . . forever? (From Indigo).

Ages: 12 and UP. Please read that again. 12. And up.

Rated: PG-17 for graphic content, 'sexuality', coarse language, and extreme idiocy.

General description of the book, shamelessly lifted from Urban Dictionary, because I aint wasting my time with this shit. So, here is a sweet and simple synopsis of the book. 

Bella, the human, and Edward, the vampire, get married. Then they have rough sex that leaves her bruised and battered. (Also, he bites a pillow and covers her with feathers.) Then she gets totally pregnant with some kind of demon death baby who grows at a superhuman rate, can read thoughts in the womb, drinks blood in utero, and breaks Bella's ribs, pelvis, and spine from the inside. Some werewolf stuff happens and Jacob (20 year old werewolf) falls in love with the tiny demon death baby which sparked many confused and slightly disturbed comments and thoughts in readers around the country. The baby is delivered via Cesarean section, which is a polite way of saying that other characters rip Bella's stomach open with their teeth. ("Seriously, they cannot make this into a movie. I cannot imagine for one second how they could make this into a movie appropriate for teenage girls and keep this part in it.") 

Let us start with this sentiment, posted by a reader who shall remain anonymous because I just think that they are an embaressment to humanity:

Let me start by saying that nothing for me will ever be as good as Twilight. It was an unexpected find and I never anticipated that Breaking Dawn would match that.

OMG GUYS! Twilight was such an amazing book! I love Bella! I can relate to her because she is just like me!

I cannot even... no. Just. No. I refuse to even give you a synopsis of my own doing. Because that means I would have to talk about the lack of plot, the lack of any worthwhile character, the author's infatuation with 'whiteness' and 'sparkles' which might make me sound like I actually liked the book. Which I do not. I read it under extreme duress about two and a half years ago because my baby sister is a scary human being, who watched me like a hawk and made me go back and read the multitude of pages I tried to skip every time I hit a 'sparkle' heavy paragraph. Unfortunately, that was almost every other paragraph. 

I hold the Twilight series as single-handedly causing the destruction of modern society. 

I am going to take this time to talk about the heroine of this... romance, Bella. Bella Swan. Bella is resoundingly dim-witted, dull, and a horrible role model for young girls and teens. At one point in the series, Edward leaves her, apparently for her own good. You know, because he is a vampire, wants to eat her, and would break her in half with a quirk of his sparkly white pinky finger. So what does this bitch do? Well, she tries to kill herself. She also spends several seasons sitting in a chair in her room being a shut in watching the world go by. At least, that is my understanding from the movie. Don't ask. I don't want to talk about it. 

However, in Breaking Dawn Bella is even more dangerous because her character essentially informs girls that in order to be a complete woman you need to meet three criteria: get married, have a baby, and be a loving wife and mother. Hear that feminists? In order to be a real woman, you need to get married to a man, get knocked up, and care for said man and spawn for the rest of your life. 

Furthermore, exactly how old was Bella when she did all this? Seventeen? Because she did not want to be older than her husband when she was 'turned' into a fellow sparkling blood thirsty vampire that fortunately was totally able to control her blood lust when no other fledgling vampire is able to exert any form of control. Guess what girls! Getting married at the ripe old age of seventeen to a significantly older man is totally sexy. How could this possibly go wrong!?

Ah. Right. That. Let's not talk about that...

So, age inappropriateness aside, what else is wrong with Bella's resoundingly horrible life decisions? Well, she had sex. With her loving husband Edward, who left her covered in bruises, and unconscious. Guess what ladies! It turns out we are doing this shit completely wrong! Begone soft touches and romantical nonsense whispered in your ear. Begone controlled safe environments and partners that are aware of what they are doing to you. What we need is a sparkly white man to be so resoundingly violent in the bedroom that we are completely physically broken. Also, for heavens sake leave birth control out of the situation. I mean, when he promises to pull out that is a 100% fail proof plan against unwanted pregnancies. He will probably also promise that he is sterile. Risk free amirite?

So problems established thus far: 

1. Bella needs a man to be fulfilled as a woman. 
2. Bella needs a child to be a complete woman. 
3. Bella is in a physically abusive marriage. 
4. Bella does not know how to practice safe sex (see above). 
5. Bella does not know about contraception. 

Most problematical (problematic? I do not even know. Breaking Dawn is stealing my ability to create coherent sentences now!) is how Bella is treated by her male counterparts, as well as herself, as some sort of commodity. Edward wants her. So does Jacob Black. They are constantly throwing her back and forth between themselves and despite Bella being all, "But I will always love Edward," it appears that prior to her marriage that she would have settled for Jacob and proceeded to pop out werewolf babies and be boringly sullen and brooding over her lost first love. But it's cool girls. Once you are off the market and your #2 main man is still looking for a mate, make sure he sees your offspring. She's just like you! Only newer and younger! A whole fresh new model just like you, but not you, because that would mean you were committing either polygamy or adultery. Both of which are normal occupational hazards of the extreme Mormon sects. Oh wait... 

Look. This book? Not really appropriate for any girl, woman, or grandmother. Terrible, horrible, and shameful writing aside, there is nothing that BD offers girls in the way of how to have safe and practical relationships that wont get them killed by some pervert wearing fake fangs and body glitter. Better life choices would include P.C. Cast, True Blood, and My Babysitter is a Vampire. 

I now need to go bleach my brain of all those remaining memories I have of the Twilight series. 

Grade: Fail^infinty

People Are Horrible Lazy Slobs

I'm going to start this post with a simple sentiment: people are gross. 

That is not to say that people, individuals, whatever, do not have regular cleansing schedule and know how to keep themselves germ free and healthy. What I completely do not understand is the general inability of the public to do such simple task of not leaving their shit all over the place. 

Confession. 

I can sometimes be one of those people. Inconsiderate of me, I know, but when I am on that subway, and I have finished with my Timmies Iced Cappachino, I will probably be leaving behind my cup. What? It does not fit into my purse! And it is so inconvenient to have to find something as ubiquitous as a garbage can once I have gotten off the subway. So I leave it behind. Besides, it is not like someone is going to call me one it. And what are the chances that I will be getting on the same subway car on any single given day? Slim too none. Out of sight, out of mind, no longer my problem. Don't you dare lie, I know you do it too. Fess up. 

Possibly not the garbage I am talking about.

But this is exactly where the problem starts. We are not responsible for having to tidy up after ourselves in public spaces. We have garbage pickers to pick up the trash we just cannot seem to manage to get into a garbage can, sidewalk sweepers to catch all those pesky cigarette butts stubbed out on the street, we are no longer even responsible for returning our shopping carts, we leave them for 16 year old's to wrangle and return. The idea of making the effort to do any small measure of keeping our spaces clean... we just bitch and moan about the sheer effort and indignity involved in such a monumental task, and then contract the work out to day laborers and underprivileged youth. And then, we pat ourselves on the back for creating minimum wage part-time jobs and walk away, probably leaving behind empty McDonald's wrappers and yet another smoldering ciggarette butt. 

Aight. So. Library tie in time. 

Theoretically, the library should be a clean place. You know, books are sacred, keep food and drink away from the books (and in this day and age, the computer too please, kthnxbi), treat the books with respect. Dammit  swaddle those motherfucking books like you would an infant.

Now, I understand that putting books back on the shelves is a daunting prospect. Actually, please do not even remotely even think about re-shelving anything, any. thing. We will hunt you down and shoot you for the good of humanity. Or the librarian equivalent of death of being drawn and quartered. But don't worry! To ensure that you do not commit such a heinous act and meet such a dreadfully painful end, we have a helpful cart for all the reject books that you thought you wanted, but actually don't. No worries, books do not have feelings! Or do they? 

Unfortunately, the cart is often left empty. Because it is in a clearly inappropriate, unavailable, and unreachable area of the library. Instead, books are left:

1. on the floor
2. stacked on chairs
3. hidden in the play castle
4. hidden inside our weird circle thingies that might be chairs or might be play equipment? 
5. under benches (still on the floor, but now hard to see and/or retrieve)
6. in the garbage
7. behind shelves

Of course, we also get the smuggled in discarded food wrappers, empty disposable water bottles, chewing gum ever so nicely left re-wrapped in their paper-or sometimes just stuck under tables, apple cores, forks, spoon and other assorted cutlery. Because clearly, the library, full of books that are actually exponentially easier to use when their pages are not crusted together with the juice from that nice hamburger you stealthily ate in the corner, is the place to eat your three course turkey dinner. 

Come on people!

The library is not your home! I mean, we are a nice place, occasionally quiet, and possibly actually cleaner than your own place that you pay for and possibly even maintain. It actually boggles my mind at the sheer amount of disregard that people show towards keeping the library space and contents clean. If I had it my way, which I do not (mores the pity), we would have little magical statues that would start yelling at you if you tried to re-shelve a book, hide a book so as to prevent the shame of placing an unwanted volume on our 'rejected and to be reshelved' book cart, attempt to eat anything and/or leave behind the remnants of a meal, or drop any form of garbage in the library space. And then kill you. If there were no witnesses. Or easily impressionable youth. Remember children: killing is wrong unless you are on a battlefield, and the library is a battlefield. And so is love, apparently. But I digress. 

I would of course be more reasonable towards the smallest of the small children, as they can't even get to the bathroom on their own, which is why we provide them with their own waste receptiveness conveniently attached to their nether-yay-yas. But once they hit the ripe old age of five, there should be some sort of fostered knowledge that garbage cans are where you throw out, well, garbage, and that you do not leave your toys all over the floor for one of your adult slaves to pick up after you. 

Actually, the sad truth is that it is the children who solemnly come up with their books to put on the cart, or with a fistful of garbage to be disposed of. The real culprits are the adults. Because man, they have their own adobes to keep clean, and this other secondary space? Not important. 

Buck adults, we are watching you, and waiting. You don't want to leave poor Polly to fend for herself now, do you? 

Uncomfortable Conversations With Children

Every once in a while I get an absolutely amazing question. The kind of question that reinstates my faith in humanity, that not everyone is an absolute idiot more concerned with their Call of Duty team and celebrity gossip. And then sometimes, I get questions like this:

"Can you help me find a book on mastroliberation?"

Bless small children. Seriously. Mastroliberation. Ha! That's not even a real thing! Maybe this kid means, 'Oh hey, I'm just looking for a book on how cultural revolutions work,' or 'I want to know how I can make music to change the world.' It's adorable! Mastroliber-ah. You are actually asking me for a book on masturbation. And you are... not nearly old enough to need to know anything about that... thing. That nobody does until they are much, much older. Like, retired old. Maybe you should ask your parents, or family member. Hell, ask anyone but me. Fuck! Masturbation!?

But here, a book on the human body. Have at it.

So this is actually what happened. I give the child a book on the human body and wish them luck in their quest for information. So the kid goes to sit down, and the mum is there, and she asks why he's reading a book on the human body instead of his usual fare. The kid solemnly informs her that he heard her talking about mastroliberation with his older brother and he was trying to find out what it was because he was worried that his older brother was really sick. So he asked the librarian for help and she had given him this book on the human body.

The mother, at this point comes over to me, and I am trying so hard not to laugh. Children! Holy Hosaphine Harriet, and Hubert. From the mouths of babes and all that tripe. Fortunately. Luckily? The mother was just as amused as I was about the situation, and asked if I could find any books on puberty. She also thanked me for giving him a book on the human body that was at a level her precocious kid could read and understand.

All in all, it was a good exchange.

I find it disturbing at the number of parents who actively work to shelter their children from any knowledge of the human body and how it changes and develops over the course of life from child, to teenager, and finally to adult. Puberty is probably the most terrifying change anyone ever goes through. I remember some friends of mine, way back when, that were completely terrified that they were dying the first time they got their periods. Completely rational fear by the way. If you have no idea why all of a sudden you are bleeding so much blood  and no one has ever told you that this is a perfectly normal phenomenon, and that it happens to all girls, you are going to lose your shit.

And although some parents make sure their children are reading books with safe themes, and safe characters, engage in safe activities (yawn), it is their right as a parent to decide what to expose their children too, to keep them safe, to keep them happy, for their own sanity.

I thought this mum was super freaking cool, for calmly accepting that her child had overheard something that he did not understand, and that he needed some sort of explanation to alleviate his fears that his big brother was going to freaking die, rather than it being an activity that is, from my understanding, a very regular thing for male teens. Again, hormones on the rampage. It's totally normal!

But it is also interesting the types of books that we have in the library discussing puberty, and sex, and growing up. We had a couple books in our catalogue that were from the early 90's that were the most ugly, useless wastes of paper that I have ever seen. Not really informative, and primarily full of the sort of nonsense made popular by Mean Girls: if you have sex, you'll get pregnant and DIE.

The newer books were more informative, though I will say this on them: they still fall under the category of: 'abstinence is best, wait for marriage to have sex'. You know, the standard left over perversions of a strong Protestant heritage. The same thinking that encourages adults to not talk about important information regarding their children's bodies and puberty and sex and all that other uncomfortable stuff that no one ever feels comfortable talking about, and kids will avoid talking to their parents about at any cost. The sex talk with my mother put me off carrots for months.

But I digress.

I espouse a parenting style that allows children to ask their parents anything that crosses their minds, rather than enforcing a policy that discourages questions. Also, this kid asked a librarian for help. That made my day. We are the holder and keepers of information goddammit! So, teach your spawn to recognize our power. Because we are cool, and we know stuff.