Premise: To be irrevocably in love with a vampire is both fantasy and nightmare woven into a dangerously heightened reality for Bella Swan. Pulled in one direction by her intense passion for Edward Cullen, and in another by her profound connection to werewolf Jacob Black, a tumultuous year of temptation, loss, and strife have led her to the ultimate turning point. Her imminent choice to either join the dark but seductive world of immortals or to pursue a fully human life has become the thread from which the fates of two tribes hangs. Now that Bella has made her decision, a startling chain of unprecedented events is about to unfold with potentially devastating, and unfathomable, consequences. Just when the frayed strands of Bella''s life - first discovered in Twilight, then scattered and torn in New Moon and Eclipse - seem ready to heal and knit together, could they be destroyed . . . forever? (From Indigo).
Ages: 12 and UP. Please read that again. 12. And up.
Rated: PG-17 for graphic content, 'sexuality', coarse language, and extreme idiocy.
General description of the book, shamelessly lifted from Urban Dictionary, because I aint wasting my time with this shit. So, here is a sweet and simple synopsis of the book.
Bella, the human, and Edward, the vampire, get married. Then they have rough sex that leaves her bruised and battered. (Also, he bites a pillow and covers her with feathers.) Then she gets totally pregnant with some kind of demon death baby who grows at a superhuman rate, can read thoughts in the womb, drinks blood in utero, and breaks Bella's ribs, pelvis, and spine from the inside. Some werewolf stuff happens and Jacob (20 year old werewolf) falls in love with the tiny demon death baby which sparked many confused and slightly disturbed comments and thoughts in readers around the country. The baby is delivered via Cesarean section, which is a polite way of saying that other characters rip Bella's stomach open with their teeth. ("Seriously, they cannot make this into a movie. I cannot imagine for one second how they could make this into a movie appropriate for teenage girls and keep this part in it.")
Let us start with this sentiment, posted by a reader who shall remain anonymous because I just think that they are an embaressment to humanity:
Let me start by saying that nothing for me will ever be as good as Twilight. It was an unexpected find and I never anticipated that Breaking Dawn would match that.
OMG GUYS! Twilight was such an amazing book! I love Bella! I can relate to her because she is just like me!
I cannot even... no. Just. No. I refuse to even give you a synopsis of my own doing. Because that means I would have to talk about the lack of plot, the lack of any worthwhile character, the author's infatuation with 'whiteness' and 'sparkles' which might make me sound like I actually liked the book. Which I do not. I read it under extreme duress about two and a half years ago because my baby sister is a scary human being, who watched me like a hawk and made me go back and read the multitude of pages I tried to skip every time I hit a 'sparkle' heavy paragraph. Unfortunately, that was almost every other paragraph.
I hold the Twilight series as single-handedly causing the destruction of modern society.
I am going to take this time to talk about the heroine of this... romance, Bella. Bella Swan. Bella is resoundingly dim-witted, dull, and a horrible role model for young girls and teens. At one point in the series, Edward leaves her, apparently for her own good. You know, because he is a vampire, wants to eat her, and would break her in half with a quirk of his sparkly white pinky finger. So what does this bitch do? Well, she tries to kill herself. She also spends several seasons sitting in a chair in her room being a shut in watching the world go by. At least, that is my understanding from the movie. Don't ask. I don't want to talk about it.
However, in Breaking Dawn Bella is even more dangerous because her character essentially informs girls that in order to be a complete woman you need to meet three criteria: get married, have a baby, and be a loving wife and mother. Hear that feminists? In order to be a real woman, you need to get married to a man, get knocked up, and care for said man and spawn for the rest of your life.
Furthermore, exactly how old was Bella when she did all this? Seventeen? Because she did not want to be older than her husband when she was 'turned' into a fellow sparkling blood thirsty vampire that fortunately was totally able to control her blood lust when no other fledgling vampire is able to exert any form of control. Guess what girls! Getting married at the ripe old age of seventeen to a significantly older man is totally sexy. How could this possibly go wrong!?
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| Ah. Right. That. Let's not talk about that... |
So, age inappropriateness aside, what else is wrong with Bella's resoundingly horrible life decisions? Well, she had sex. With her loving husband Edward, who left her covered in bruises, and unconscious. Guess what ladies! It turns out we are doing this shit completely wrong! Begone soft touches and romantical nonsense whispered in your ear. Begone controlled safe environments and partners that are aware of what they are doing to you. What we need is a sparkly white man to be so resoundingly violent in the bedroom that we are completely physically broken. Also, for heavens sake leave birth control out of the situation. I mean, when he promises to pull out that is a 100% fail proof plan against unwanted pregnancies. He will probably also promise that he is sterile. Risk free amirite?
So problems established thus far:
- Bella needs a man to be fulfilled as a woman.
- Bella needs a child to be a complete woman.
- Bella is in a physically abusive marriage.
- Bella does not know how to practice safe sex (see above).
- Bella does not know about contraception.
Most problematical (problematic? I do not even know. Breaking Dawn is stealing my ability to create coherent sentences now!) is how Bella is treated by her male counterparts, as well as herself, as some sort of commodity. Edward wants her. So does Jacob Black. They are constantly throwing her back and forth between themselves and despite Bella being all, "But I will always love Edward," it appears that prior to her marriage that she would have settled for Jacob and proceeded to pop out werewolf babies and be boringly sullen and brooding over her lost first love. But it's cool girls. Once you are off the market and your #2 main man is still looking for a mate, make sure he sees your offspring. She's just like you! Only newer and younger! A whole fresh new model just like you, but not you, because that would mean you were committing either polygamy or adultery. Both of which are normal occupational hazards of the extreme Mormon sects. Oh wait...
Look. This book? Not really appropriate for any girl, woman, or grandmother. Terrible, horrible, and shameful writing aside, there is nothing that BD offers girls in the way of how to have safe and practical relationships that wont get them killed by some pervert wearing fake fangs and body glitter. Better life choices would include P.C. Cast, True Blood, and My Babysitter is a Vampire. I now need to go bleach my brain of all those remaining memories I have of the Twilight series.
Grade: Fail^infinty
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